Googling usually precedes one of my most hindering shortcomings - self diagnosis. It is completely astounding that in my quest to understand my anxiety better, I actually make it worse. Type the word "Anxiety" into the Google search bar and try categorize the results. You simply cannot. Not only are the results difficult to isolate but they can be scary too. Words such as Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, Psychosis and many more terrifying concepts arise. However, I simply cannot let that be the end of my search. I have to read more. After all, we all trust Google right? So there I go, ruining a perfectly good day by researching a senseless topic like schizophrenia. Something that started off as simple curiosity slowly became a full blown panic attack.
Upon opening the "Early warning signs for Schizophrenia" page, I am greeted by an extensive list of symptoms. One by one, I ran through them and as if I were a specialist on the matter...
"Do you go on aimless walks that lead nowhere?"
"Uhm, no"
"Do you talk to yourself?"
"Yes but not over crazy things. Oh gosh, am I normal?"
"Do you have racing thoughts?"
"No, not anymore. Should I have racing thoughts? Is it normal? I don't know...."
"Do you think people can read your mind?"
"No. Although, the dog did look at me strangely the other night. Erm, okay. Why did I think that?"
"Do you think you have super powers?"
"No. But when I was 5, I did try bend a spoon with my mind. No Bryan, that is just ridiculous. Why did I just refer to myself in the third person? Oh no, I am talking to myself! "
It was not long until I had a full blown panic attack. The fear of being schizophrenic was completely overwhelming. As a matter of fact, the entire week to follow was tainted by the inescapable anxiety of possibly having this serious mental illness. Nevertheless, I managed to shake that fear off via prayer but boy was it a mission. Looking back, I find it humorous that one week of torture had been ignited by a simple search and my obsessive need to understand everything. To all those experiencing "Googlephobia", perhaps we should close that web page and open up some scripture.
2 Timothy 1:7
For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.
2 Corinthians 10:5
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
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