Commitment

Maintaining a course can often be difficult in light of recovery. Some of our most life changing decisions are made when we reach rock bottom. During these times we truly understand what is most important to us and we can see no possible way in which we can be wavered from our commitments. Yet as time passes we slowly recover and begin to climb out of that dark place. We become more comfortable in our daily routine and our sense of humor returns. We begin to enjoy life again and we tend to try forget that moment when we were overwhelmed by darkness. In this time, our commitment is tested. 

I have committed myself to a life a sobriety. However, there are times when I feel that commitment being tested. There is no running away from it. I have to face it. I have to learn to accept that although I have changed, my environment is still the same. Without the power of prayer, giving up alcohol would have been nearly impossible. There are days when I feel like I am swimming against the tide of life. My entire world seems to be flowing one way and I am committed to flowing the other. It would be easy to just let go of the nautical decor and allow my life  to be swept away into the yonder but that would be failure. I am in a battle and I need to outlast this time of testing. It can be done and it will be done. I will overcome. 

As for me, I would seek God and inquire of and require Him, and to God would I commit my cause Job 5: 8 

Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed. Proverbs 16: 3

But thank God, though you were once slaves of sin, you have become obedient with all your heart to the standard of teaching in which you were instructed and to which you were committed. Romans 6: 17

Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37: 5

Humbleness

Humbleness emerges after a fall. A man must first be brought to his knees before he can be established into the modesty of righteous living. His fortresses of lust, deception, arrogance, pride, ingratitude, aggression and materialism need to be dismantled brick by brick. Sometimes in order to be saved, we need to be brought to the brink of our own destruction. In a sense, we need to faced with a choice of life over death. Are we prepared to formulate a new righteous existence and harness that mantle of humbleness and embrace our renewal?  

Personally, to be humble and to reject the falsehood of my prior arrogance is perhaps one of my most difficult tasks. I am establishing a new person in this world and this undertaking requires constant maintenance. The constant questioning process, whereby I take a critical view of my actions, motives, words and attitudes has become a daily battle. Remaining humble is indeed a worthy cause. There is nothing more delightful than giving another the space to express their passions without attempting to outshine or belittle their enthusiasm. The habit of maintaining a humble creed is something I am still nurturing but I have no doubt that with time, it will entrench itself firmly as a cornerstone in my life. Lord guide me. 

James 4:6 

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Philippians 2:3-11

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. ...

2 Chronicles 7:14
If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land

Father

"I am gonna show you, how great I am." - Muhammad Ali

There comes a time of testing in a man’s life. A time when his dreams lie still. His arms and legs are weak and his mind is exhausted from the field of battle that is life. It is in that time, that he draws courage and strength from his heart. It matters not how hard life hits him or how many hits he can take but it is the strength and conviction of his heart that will define his victory. 

A successful father is one whom instills such courage into his son's heart. No matter what the cost, his son will never give up on the strength he draws from his father’s actions. His son will never fall, never retreat and never accept defeat. Inch by inch, he will move forward because he is inspired to do so through the image that is his father. He accepts that nothing is impossible as the very blood that pours though his veins has conquered that which his son is trying to conquer. A successful father's son takes pride in his actions as a reflection upon his family because he honors what he has been taught. His son adopts courage in the shadow of adversity and measures his attitude against the benchmark set by his father. He approaches every situation fighting to maintain a precedent that not only improves him but improves the lives of those he loves. No matter how wayward his son's path becomes, he shall always return to the principle set in place by his father. 


This is the token of a successful father - A token of my own father. 

Love 

Bryan 

Habit

A habit by definition is a settled or regular tendency to practice something. Habits are easily made but difficult to break. We live by habit, act by habit and think by habit. Our habits are encapsulated by our lifestyle and subsequently govern our actions. Taking ownership over the habits we choose to incorporate in our lives is our responsibility and rightly so, because it is these habits that are a reflection of the choices we make. Personally, I find that all actions require an initial nurturing period before they become habitual. This is true for both good and bad habits. A bad habit is a product of a rigorous "justification" process whereby we become more comfortable allowing ourselves to indulge in such a temptation. With sufficient time, justifying that habit becomes instantaneous and it becomes a crux in our lives. In a similar fashion, building good habits require the same justification processes. The only distinguishing difference between the two is accessibility. How easy is it to partake in a certain activity? If you are given no guidance in the decision, you will most certainly take the easier of the two options. Typically, we would rather chase those instant gratifications than spend time crafting a healthier lifestyle. The trouble is, the more we fill our lives with these habitual indulgences, the faster they begin to break us down and blind us towards the possibility of living without them. 

However, should we choose to sculpt a lifestyle that is replenished by strong, good habits - the benefits become boundless. Good habits do take time to reflect in our lives. Reading scripture was something, I first had to nurture before I could realize the grandeur of its reward. It gave me a platform upon which I could engage with the world and the satisfaction of never setting forward an empty message. Helping the needy and being charitable to the poor seemed rather arduous at first but the more habitual it became the more self respect I gained. Taking care of my body and exercising regularly took time and patience but now there is so much joy in the undertaking. A good healthy lifestyle is an indication of good habits.

Romans 12:1-2 

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Ephesians 4:22-24 

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

              

Hardship

Let me define hardship from my own personal perspective. Hardships are those unforeseen circumstances that transpire in our lives, leaving us feeling powerless, fearful and uncertain about the past or future. Typically, we are left feeling destitute, agitated, alone and often angry. Depending on what matters most in your life, interference to your sense of stability, whether self-imposed or inflicted by others can be a harrowing experience.  Nonetheless, it is our attitude in action that will determine whether we are able to overcome these transgressions and like an emerging equilibrium we reach a more robust level of being.

Indeed, the process before reaching this new equilibrium will be a very unnerving experience but lets not forget that we can still track progress. In progress, there is hope. In hope there is eagerness. In eagerness, there is the drive to progress further. 

Reflecting upon my own hardship, I am able to analyze myself now and notice that there is a monumental difference to the person I was 3 months prior. Improvements are difficult to track on a daily basis and often I am fooled into thinking that nothing is happening. However, much like an unstable gradient on an upward sloping curve, my improvements may be impossible to predict but they are happening. Setbacks may occur but there is a general trend of things getting better. Critical thinking may be a curse but there is a blessing in using it correctly. In light of hardships, treat them as tangible events. Things that have a starting point and an ending point. Engage with it positively and take each day, one day at a time. Try not to over analyze those "what if" questions. These questions can never be answered. Treat your predicament like a wound that requires healing. If you continue to pick at it, it will never heal. Staring at the wound won't do you any favors either because it blinds you to progress. Appreciate the healing process and respect it. 

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and do not forget all his benefits—who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. (Psalm 103:2-5)

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. (Psalm 46:1-3)

Those who love me, I will deliver; I will protect those who know my name. When they call to me, I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will rescue them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them, and show them my salvation. (Psalm 91:14-16)

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. (Exodus 14:13a,14)

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you. (Psalm 9:9-10)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Confession

As far back as I can remember, I have never been one for secrets. I have never been able to live comfortably without coming clean about something that fills me with guilt. My conscience cannot rest peacefully with painful memories. Today I did a miraculous thing. I took a very bold step. I spoke about all my wrong doings that I previously thought would remain between God and I. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel more cleansed now, more than ever. For the first time in a long time, I have no secrets. It is completely uplifting and I will no longer be tormented by this agonizing guilt. I have been forgiven in the eyes of the Lord, myself and those whom I love. It is completely marvelous how Jesus takes us on a journey of sanctification. I feel  complete rejuvenation in my honesty and I feel that my prayers have been answered. You see, never before had I felt guilt for my actions but since giving my life to the Lord, he has opened my eyes.  

1 John 1:9

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results.

Preservation

Okay, let me give you a bit of a back ground check. I am in my dimly lit bedroom and its about 4pm in the afternoon. I have a hot cup of tea, black with 2 sugars. My curtains are drawn and I have to admit - I am a little anxious. However, I do appreciate that this anxiety is peaking at a "normal" level. After all, I do have a semester test later today, which I am not very prepared for and in addition to this, there has been some bad news about the death of a fellow student. I must admit, the circumstances behind his death are a little unnerving for me because I never want to hear about people, my own age, taking their own lives. It is tragic news and it is very unsettling. In addition to this, I am trying to cope with all the disturbing imagery that the news is turning out lately. I cannot believe the strife in the world today. It is very saddening for me to read news headlines nowadays because  everything seems to be centered around violence, disaster, murder, rape, injustice, protests, disease outbreak, starvation, terrorism and countless other atrocities. Even more disturbing is my inability to surf the internet without being confronted by some pornographic image or slanderous slogan. I can barely use YouTube without being greeted by some video-bloggers catch title, "Father, puts baby in an oven." The bloggers video did not feature the incident but I find it horrible that such a title is used to attract viewers. Facebook is a complete free for all and is mixed and mashed with uncensored pages that are not fitting to any users, let alone children. There are things that are seemingly unavoidable; the more we try to push away from it, the more intrusive it becomes. Nevertheless, today I have something to be thankful for. I can be thankful that although the world seems to dampen my mood everyday, my heart and mind remains unshaken. I am thankful that my anxiety is peaking at a normal level and is a reflection of my change in mindset. The fact that I find this imagery disturbing is also an indication of my change in moral attitude.  Historically speaking, a collapse in morality always preceded the collapse of an empire. The roman empire is a clear example of such a collapse. The empire fell to barbarians after its very governance became corrupted by its immoral society. I know that this may sound rather somber but the world has very little respect for morality. I know that living righteously may be considered socially deviant behavior according to today's standards but there is so much honor in taking a stand for what is right. Preserving goodness in this world is definitely something worth fighting for. 

The righteousness of the blameless shall rectify and make plain their way and keep it straight, but the wicked shall fall by their own wickedness. Proverbs 11: 5

Understanding

I find it completely baffling how the human race is in a continuous pursuit of advancement. People seem to place too much confidence in our "ability" to understand everything and provide a remedy to all problems. In truth, science has failed us. Science provides no cure for cancer, no undisputed account towards the origins of our universe, no economic intervention policy to alleviate poverty nor any means of making this world a better place to live in. Instead, science seems to provide only temporary fixes and solutions based on assumptions. Neoclassical economic theory is  based on the assumption that human beings are rational and independent. This is remarkable because my own assumptions that were based on what I viewed as rational, nearly destroyed me. I understand that comparing neoclassical economic theory to my own decision making process may seem absurd but it is in fact not so inappropriate as it may seem. In the same way that there has been so much instability in my own life due to incorrect assumptions and rationalizations; globally, the world has experienced similar turmoil and is re cooperating from a financial crises that arose from equally absurd assumptions and rationalizations surrounding credit.    

Placing our confidence in the worldly system would seem really foolish when we look at recent history. So why do we do it? Surely, we have suffered enough by our own hand? In terms of my own life. The moment I took a step back and placed my life in the hands of Jesus Christ, all anxieties about the future have dissipated. I have rebuked my previous arrogance and admitted that my prior attitudes towards life have been completely wrong. I no longer feel like I know everything nor will I ever lay claim to the idea that I would ever understand everything. Instead, I choose to be content with the word of God. I choose to conduct my affairs and actions in a manner that coordinates itself with Gods word. There is so much peace in letting go of the desire to understand everything. If the word of God has given me so much relief in my life, I can only imagine how much relief it can bring to the world. Is it really that absurd to imagine a world governed by leaders whom have their hearts and minds set in the word of God? A world not obsessed by the pursuit of meaningless technological advancements yet more focused on improving humanity through compassion. A world where business motive for profit couples a desire to engage with communities. A world where the need to ascertain power is replaced by a desire to help others. A world where talk is replaced by action, corruption replaced by righteousness and the desire to understand everything is replaced understanding the will of God. 

Eph 5:17 (NIV) Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Jam 1:5 (NIV) If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.


Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding

Perserverence

Rehabilitating my behavior has become a significantly difficult undertaking. It is often difficult to continuously police my actions and to make sure all my thoughts are righteous. I am still in the early stages of my transformation but there is alot of work that needs to be done in redefining my principles. The battle to attain a level head and overcome my fears has been won but there are still many bad habits that need to be broken. Yes, I have given up drinking but there is so much more that also requires attention.You see, kicking the booze bottle aside was easy but replacing the habit has been difficult. There is also the issue of cleaning up my mannerisms, sense of humor, my anger and the way I treat and view women. Just like alcohol, Jesus has washed away all my sins in each of these areas. I have to be honest though, it is not been an easy endeavor because the more you clean up the less certain you become of yourself. My entire identity has been shaped around my old habits and now that I have booted them; I often feel very lost. The only real sense of direction I have, is my faith. I consult God on almost everything. I need to persevere. I know that time heals everything and I have never been more willing to change - on my own accord. I am doing this for myself and for those whom matter most. I really believe that Jesus pulled me clear from the fire and I do not intend on turning my back on him. I need to persevere now more than ever. There will be times when I feel like breaking down or giving up but there is no quitting this.

My grandfather spent a life time discovering what it really was that God intended him to do. My journey has just begun, the task is daunting but not impossible. I feel like a clean canvas that is in desperate need of a righteous artist. A midst of all this uncertainty, I know just the right man for the job. I entrust my life to Jesus Christ and grant him permission to paint my canvas with all the splendor that he so desires. It does not matter how long this process takes because I know that the Lord can turn each and every mess into a masterpiece.  

Hebrews 10:36 

For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.

Romans 5:3-4 

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that sufferingproduces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope

Patience

It is time I learn to keep my cool! I need to stare down those horrible temptations of seeking instant gratification or instant solutions to my problems. Especially with regards to my temper. I do myself a terrible injustice by reacting abruptly to things that make me angry. Often, I will say things that will undermine how I really feel and detract from the real reason I got angry in the first place. 

Giving somebody a verbal tongue lashing, without calmly assessing what point I need to get across is one of my most desperate weaknesses. The remedy for my problem is patience. However, having a clear understanding about what is required does not necessarily mean the solution can be instantly implemented. I am certain that learning patience will take some time and it is not only my hot temper that needs tending to. 

There are days when I become completely caught up in my need to understand everything. I have made so many wrong decisions in my life and now that I am beginning to make the correct ones;I have this uncanny desire to know more. I have completely abandoned my arrogance towards life and living. I admit it, I am desperate to understand more of what constitutes a righteous lifestyle but I need to be patient. This is something that cannot be done overnight. It takes time and being 22 years old, I have loads of it. However, I am no longer willing to burn that time doing senseless things; I need the patience to accept that understanding the sensible may not necessarily be smooth sailing. 

May the lord grant me patience.   

By your steadfastness and patient endurance you shall win the true life of your souls.

Luke 21: 19

Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance.
Romans 5: 3

Now may the God Who gives the power of patient endurance (steadfastness) and Who supplies encouragement, grant you to live in such mutual harmony and such full sympathy with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus.Romans 15: 5

Whoever leads into captivity will himself go into captivity; if anyone slays with the sword, with the sword must he be slain. Herein is [the call for] the patience and the faith and fidelity of the saints (God's people).Revelation 13: 10

Condemnation

Overcoming self doubt and condemnation is possibly one of my greatest hurdles in life. It is completely paralyzing. It makes me doubt my abilities and doubt who I am. Choosing to craft a new life has been extremely difficult in the sense that I have to overcome my own wrong doings. I do not doubt the direction I have chosen and I am absolutely completely certain that it is the correct one. However, the painful memories of the past need constant attention. Perhaps, these memories have become painful because of my radical realization that there is a better way to approach life. They certainly were not painful whilst I was living a lifestyle destined for destruction. It is only lately, since I have taken up the challenge to change my perceptions and attitudes, that I have found myself dealing with the shame of my own wrong doings. Yes, I have asked God for forgiveness and in truth I have never committed any crime. Nevertheless, there are certain things that constitute as criminal acts upon our own morality that the law has no governance over. 

I try to align myself with a righteous lifestyle and in saying so, I really mean a lifestyle that is honorable, just and moral. However, this issue of self doubt and condemnation needs to be dealt with. I cannot keep bringing up the past as a means of judging my actions today. There is something so sinister about painful memories that even in the very act of kindness they pounce upon you. I simply refuse to let these memories control my life. So what! I have done my wrongs but I chose a new direction. I made the difference when it really mattered and there is honor in renewal. I firmly believe that we are forgiven in Christ. We can place our sins upon the cross and he WILL forgive us and not condemn us. There is a remarkable story in the bible about a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. She was dragged out into the street by an angry mob, whom were primed and ready for a stoning. At some point, one of the members of the mob asked Jesus if they could commence stoning the woman for her sin but Jesus replied with something like this, "Lest he who is free from sin, cast the first stone." I am not sure how long it took but every single member of that mob dropped their rocks and walked away. The only person left standing over the adulterous woman was Jesus himself. He was the only man, whom was free from all sin and according to his spoken word may have stoned that woman. Yet he chose not too. He asked the woman to rise to her feet and told her to go forth and sin no more. 

It is completely remarkable that nowadays we are so quick to condemn ourselves for our sins. In the same way that we have no authority to stone a woman for adultery. Why should we have the authority to subject ourselves to punishment by our own hand? I have no right to blame myself for past actions during a time when my life was not governed by God's principle. There was a time when I deemed it sufficient to only abide by the law of man. Everything else in my mind's eye was free game. I could never have been more wrong. Honestly, I know that the battle of overcoming my actions may be strenuous but I am prepared to fight for it. In the same way that I fought for life, I will fight for freedom from my own condemnation. I refuse to let a day go by where I do not police my actions according to God's principle. No matter what the cost. I will never give up. I am willing to make that a promise to myself, to my lord Jesus Christ and to whomever reads this.    

1 John 1:9-10

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 

Blessings

There is so much truth in the phrase "blessing in disguise" and these blessings can be well hidden at times. Looking back on my own "mental breakdown", I can assess how much my life has changed. The changes have been monumental and have completely redefined my direction. My breakdown was both abrupt and unexpected. In terms of my life, the episode acted like somewhat of a stop sign. It made me reassess what was really important and it confronted me with a choice. Destruction or deliverance. I had to choose a route and I chose deliverance. I consider myself extremely lucky to receive this blessing. After all, it frightens me to think about what could have happened or where I may have ended up. 

I honestly feel like I have been granted a new lease on life. My second chance was a true gift and I am completely in awe of how much goodness it has brought out in me. I no longer place importance on trivial matters but tend to look for opportunity to do good. Giving second chances to others has become a new priority in my life. Supporting the needy and comforting the weak is no longer something I turn a blind eye to. There is so much opportunity to do a little good and make a little difference in somebody else's life and the act of making this difference feels so good. I am rebuilding my self-respect, one good deed at a time and there is so much joy in my service. Now this, is definitely a road worth traveling.... 

And as you have been a curse and a byword among the nations, O house of Judah and house of Israel, so will I save you, and you shall be a blessing. Fear not, but let your hands be strong and hardened.
Zechariah 8: 13

For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous; with favor You will surround him as with a shield. Psalm 5: 12(NKJV)

   

Inspiration

"I am William Wallace and I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny. You have come to fight as free men and free men you are. What will you do without freedom? Will you fight?" - William Wallace

"Against that? No. We will run and we will live." - Scottish Soldier

"Aye. Fight and you may die. Run and you will live - for at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now. Would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day till that. For one chance. Just one chance. To come back here and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!" - William Wallace

Braveheart is my all time favorite movie. It is an extremely moving story of how one man (William Wallace) had managed to unite an entire nation against a tyrant. The brilliance of this film lies in it's ability to capture history in the most romantic and moving ways. It is a true reflection of how people can overcome adversity and oppression, no matter how lost or crazy the cause may seem. 

An underdog story will always bring me to tears. Movies such as, "Remember the Titans", "The pursuit of happiness", "Cinderella Man", "A beautiful mind" and "Gladiator" are all deeply inspirational and brilliant. Perhaps, my fondness of such movies have helped craft my own resilient character. 

Often, I would find myself doing things not because I wanted to but because there was honor in completing that task. Take bungee jumping for example. I am terrified of heights but somehow, I found myself bungee jumping off Victoria Falls bridge. I was terrified from the get go but I did it. I jumped. Why? I suppose, I felt completely compelled to not step down from the challenge. Mark my words, there was no joy in that experience nor was there any enthralling rush of adrenalin. It was completely terrifying from the start to the finish but I had managed to overcome my fear and took the plunge. Call it bravery or call it pride, I was inspired to do it and in doing so, it gave me a profound sense of achievement. 

Even though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;     Psalm 23

Googlephobia

Yes, the word Googlephobia is completely fictitious. However, for the purposes of classifying fear based in Internet search queries, I think the name can suffice. One of the most significant luxuries we have nowadays is the ability to access an endless amount of information at the click of a button. In my case, this luxury is Google and it ties in perfectly with my incessant compulsion to research a thought.


Googling usually precedes one of my most hindering shortcomings - self diagnosis. It is completely astounding that in my quest to understand my anxiety better, I actually make it worse. Type the word "Anxiety" into the Google search bar and try categorize the results. You simply cannot. Not only are the results difficult to isolate but they can be scary too. Words such as Bi-polar, Schizophrenia, Psychosis and many more terrifying concepts arise. However, I simply cannot let that be the end of my search. I have to read more. After all, we all trust Google right? So there I go, ruining a perfectly good day by researching a senseless topic like schizophrenia. Something that started off as simple curiosity slowly became a full blown panic attack.


Upon opening the "Early warning signs for Schizophrenia" page, I am greeted by an extensive list of symptoms. One by one, I ran through them and as if I were a specialist on the matter...


"Do you go on aimless walks that lead nowhere?"
"Uhm, no"
"Do you talk to yourself?"
"Yes but not over crazy things. Oh gosh, am I normal?"
"Do you have racing thoughts?"
"No, not anymore. Should I have racing thoughts? Is it normal? I don't know...."
"Do you think people can read your mind?"
"No. Although, the dog did look at me strangely the other night. Erm, okay. Why did I think that?"
"Do you think you have super powers?"
"No. But when I was 5, I did try bend a spoon with my mind. No Bryan, that is just ridiculous. Why did I just refer to myself in the third person? Oh no, I am talking to myself! "


It was not long until I had a full blown panic attack. The fear of being schizophrenic was completely overwhelming. As a matter of fact, the entire week to follow was tainted by the inescapable anxiety of possibly having this serious mental illness. Nevertheless, I managed to shake that fear off via prayer but boy was it a mission. Looking back, I find it humorous that one week of torture had been ignited by a simple search and my obsessive need to understand everything. To all those experiencing "Googlephobia", perhaps we should close that web page and open up some scripture.

2 Timothy 1:7 

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

2 Corinthians 10:5 

We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.

Hebrews 4:12 

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Forgiveness

Grasping conclusion in our lives can become incredibly difficult when dealing with resentment. From my own personal perspective, I find it alot easier to forgive others than to forgive myself. Dealing with my wrong doings has become a continuous battle. I repent my sins and accept God's forgiveness but I struggle to forgive myself.

I suppose the battle here is to ascertain forgiveness from God and in that moment learn to forgive myself. There is no need to condemn myself for my actions nor is there any reason to forget them. I am not naive to the fact that certain events in my life will stick in memory but I do understand that dealing with them can become alot easier as I grow in Christ. By growing in Christ, I mean  increase my knowledge of God. Every step of my recovery has been seeded in scripture. The more I learn about Christianity, the more clarity I gain towards dealing with issues such as my own resentment. There is so much power in scripture....  

For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.Matthew 6: 14

So let it be clearly known and understood by you, brethren, that through this Man forgiveness and removal of sins is now proclaimed to you. Acts 13: 38

I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide. I said, I will confess my transgressions to the Lord [continually unfolding the past till all is told]--then You [instantly] forgave me the guilt and iniquity of my sin. Psalm 32: 5

Generosity

There is an incredible amount of satisfaction in generosity. The more I give, the more I tend to receive and there is no regretting an investment into the hearts of others. I do not consider myself a wealthy individual, as a matter of fact, selling off my possessions would allow me to live lavishly in a 3 star motel for about a week. University life dictates that I do not really require more than the basic necessities. A laptop for my assignments, a mattress to lay my head at night and perhaps a few cans of baked beans for lunch! 

Nevertheless, I did manage to work at one of South Africa's leading telecommunications companies. It was an opportunity that I was extremely grateful for. Within 3 months, I had managed to earn enough money to sustain myself at university for the following year. In addition to this, I bought myself a state of the art gaming PC, with a 25" LCD screen. The PC was my most monumental purchase and I found myself completely astonished by how much material wealth I had accumulated over the past few months. Granted, I did spend a large portion of my earnings on my Girl Friend but I simply could not justify my need for some of my own personal purchases.

Recently, I took a step back in my life and questioned my necessities. There were things that I really did not require. It was in that moment that I decided to call up my younger brother and offer him the computer as a reward for achieving well in his grades. The offering seemed logically absurd because my computer did constitute nearly half of what I owned. However, I felt a compelling desire to give it to somebody that could put the computer to better use. Needless to say, my generous action gave me a stupendous sense of gratification...

Later that afternoon, my father called and told me that he had just bought 2 brand new Chevrolet 1.4 Club bakkies. He offered me one of the vehicles as a reward for doing well in my grades. It is spectacular how a simple act of giving had been a prelude to such an awesome reward. Just prior to receiving news about the car, I had been day-dreaming about camping and how amazing it would be to go out into the bush and just appreciate mother nature. At the time, the dream seemed far fetched because I had no way of pursuing the interest without a vehicle but father had just made it a reality. 

To make the assumption that giving away your possessions will lead an increase in wealth is foolish. However,  assessing that which you do not require and offering it "intelligently" to those in need, can yield greater returns morally. Personally, I find that my generosity strengthens my sense of self-respect and self-worth. There is no payment in the world that can compare to the value of giving. 

Acts 20:35 

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”

Fulfillment

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."

I found the quote very compelling and relevant to my life. The Dalai Lama mentions how man sacrifices his health to attain advancement. This is very true. We all seem to be paper chasers, living for the next pay Cheque or material gain. We spend countless hours trying to shape up and gear towards what the world deems to be successful living. Vast amounts of our time and energy are devoted to back breaking labor, whereby we stretch ourselves both physically and mentally in order to reach the next deadline. Granted, there is achievement in our efforts but how often do we find ourselves falling short of the mark or discontent with the reward.  

So the question I pose to myself and others is this. Do our priorities, perceptions and principles correspond to a fulfilling lifestyle? 

Lately, I find myself oddly unmoved with life's little disappointments. I tend to find more humor in the things I cannot change and place more importance upon living in the now. My failures do not dishearten me as much as they had done before. This is partly attributed to the way I appreciate the present. I try not to look towards the future nor dwell on the past because there is so much possibility right now. 

Living presently and being attentive to my spirituality has been the most fulfilling chapter of my life. I am no longer bound by the world's silly expectations. Appreciating the now and graciously adopting a sense of spontaneity has completely revitalized my thinking. God never intended us to fall victim to an aimless lifestyle. Success is in the now. Happiness is in the now. Appreciation is in the now. Living is in the now. You have everything you will ever need, right now. So lets stop living for tomorrow and begin living in the now. The way God intended us to live.   

Isaiah 40 31 Scripture

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

"Exhort one another every day, as long as it is called `today', that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin." (Hebrews 3:13)

Recovery

This is my story of recovery and the events that have taken place in my life since the 24h of July 2011.

It all began that Sunday morning. I woke up dazed and dizzy following a heavy night of drinking. I was still drunk from the previous night and as I stumbled into the kitchen, I noticed my housemates prepping themselves to go to the pub to watch the weekend rugby. Vigorously I peeled an orange and took a bite from it. The orange tasted exactly the way it was meant to taste, sweet and delicious. I was oblivious to the fact that, the simple orange I had just ate would be the last thing I would enjoy for a very long time. 

Arriving at the Rat & Parrot, I ordered a Castle Draught and sat myself upon a wooden stool facing a widescreen TV. The game was a blur from the start to the end. I can recall nothing about what happened. When the final whistle blew, I noticed that my glass was still full of beer. I gave my drink away effortlessly as I felt no desire to finish it. 

We walked outside to the beer garden and I sat myself down opposite one of my house mates. It was in that moment that i started to realize that something was drastically different. I began to drift in and out of awareness, the tips of my fingers began to tingle and I felt like I could not breathe. It was like somebody had removed all oxygen from the air around me and I was breathing pure carbon dioxide. I remember desperately complaining to my housemates that something was wrong but none of them understood my dilemma. Urgently, I rushed out of the pub and felt my heart rate pick up. My surroundings became warped as I began to experience tunnel vision. In my mind, all I could think about was: I am going to die. I found myself at my girl friends flat, lying in her bed, tossing and turning in agony. I was completely confused and frightened. I could not control my thoughts and I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. 

In the nights that would follow, I recall sleeping the sum total of about 30 minutes. I would lay awake, distraught with feelings of fear and paranoia. I felt like my mind was slowly slipping away and I became overwhelmed by my fears. I was on constant "red alert" and my adrenalin felt like it was being switched on and off by something out of my control. I was constantly fearful that I would take my own life or harm another. The morning following my fourth night of zero sleep was the most terrible experience of my short life. I was on the brink of giving up and abandoning all hope of being normal again. I called my mother out of desperation, asking her for help. I told her that I was contemplating suicide. I remember her words very clearly. 

"Bryan, you have two options here. You choose life or you choose death. It is your choice"

That was the turning point in my life. I chose life and in doing so, I chose God. I made the decision to give up drinking and begin a new journey. My recovery was slow and painful but there was not a single day that went by that I did not do something to help improve my condition. I began to Gym heavily. Every single day, I would be on a treadmill or pushing weights. Within a few weeks my weight had dropped from 86kg's to 75kg's. I refused to miss a single lecture at university and irrespective of the terrible thoughts that were racing through my mind, I managed to attain 100% in a Mathematics paper, a feat I had never before accomplished. However, slowly but surely my thoughts became more disturbing, the more I fought them or sought to understand them, the more ruthless they became. At this point, I could not taste food nor feel one moment of relaxation. 

My mind and body were locked in a constant state of extreme distress irrespective of my change in lifestyle. I would go the entire day feeling terrified until my mind would simply crash from exhaustion, locking me in a state of dark depression. The kind of depression whereby you literally feel dead to the world.

Gradually, I managed to fight off the depression and as I slowly came about, my mindset would shift back into "red alert" and so the vicious cycle would repeat itself. My obsessions had completely taken a hold of my life and I was spiraling downwards and fast. 

 My first sense of comfort came in reading psalm 91. I read and repeated that psalm constantly as an effort to deal with my chronic symptoms of anxiety. It became my only weapon against the onslaught of these painful fears. I was completely uncertain about my future and I felt detached from the world. I began rebelling against everything that was my old lifestyle. I refused to sit down and play computer games as they only made my anxiety worse. I stopped drinking caffeine drinks and eating fast food. Having removed all these things from my life, I was left with this gigantic hole of emptiness. I found myself frequently walking from one place to another completely consumed by my thoughts. There were times that I was completely convinced that I was psychotic or had bi-polar disorder. I also had fears of being an alcoholic or that my destructive lifestyle had awoken some form of dormant schizophrenia. The fears were so vivid and real that they had manifested themselves physically. My obsessions had lead to me to believe that I was actually experiencing symptoms of alcoholic withdrawal, to the point where I would experience "false cravings" or "shakes" during the night. Then came 2 Tim 1:7 I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. 

Slowly, I began to realize that the Devil had been using my fear as a weapon against me. The moment I stopped fearing alcoholic relapse, my "false cravings" and "withdrawal symptoms" would disappear. This was a momentous moment for me and I began reading more and more scripture to help me deal with my fears. I eliminated them one by one. Looking back on where I was 3 months ago as opposed to where I am now,there has been a massive improvement -without the use of antidepressants or anti psychotics. I owe it all to the people I love and to Jesus Christ. My Journey is far from over but I feel like my recovery is picking up momentum. I look forward to what lies ahead. 

    

Honesty

Honesty is perhaps the most undermined, undervalued and under-appreciated concept in society today. All individuals battle with honesty and some haven't got a clue what it means to be honest. I pride myself in honesty and I am deeply moved by those whom openly and unashamedly display honesty in their actions.

I want to share with you a small story about honesty and how it affected me. 

For the past two months, I have been rigorously working on an Information Systems project which comprises nearly a third of my total course mark. It involved hours of work and today was presentation day. I drove down to the printing store to collaborate my project,printed my project documents, got them bound and payed the clerk. Shortly after paying the clerk, I asked the man where I could get my poster laminated. He pointed me towards a second shop, not far from his own. I ventured down the street and In the process, realized that one of my documents needed reprinting. Luckily, the store that I was heading to had printing facilities. Acting under the assumption that the prices would be similar, I reprinted the document and proceeded to pay for it. To my horror, this clerk charged me nearly 6 times the amount I had paid at the previous store. I kicked up a huge fuss. After a few minutes, the entire store had shifted focus towards my fit of rage, which had now involved the store manager, the clerk and some shocked bystanders. Slamming the receipt from the previous store upon the counter, I yelled, "Look here! How on earth, can you charge me R140, when the store up the road charges R28????!!!" 

The store manager picked up my receipt, examined it and calmly pointed out that the previous store clerk had completely forgotten to charge me for printing. I felt extremely embarrassed by this and realized that I had kicked up a fuss for no apparent reason. In my effort to stand up for my rights as a consumer; I had completely overlooked the error in price. 

After sheepishly paying the full amount for my printing, I felt a small sense of retribution.I figured that at least, I had not been ripped off twice. However, my retribution was overshadowed by a compelling desire to go back to the first store and pay for what was now, a seemingly useless printout.


I found the look on the first store clerk's face oddly amusing as I pointed out his error. He did not thank me for my honest action. Instead, he was completely taken aback by my need to pay for something I had essentially been given for free. 

I am sure that this scenario plays itself out in all our lives. The fundamental question here is this: Do you take joy in benefiting from the mistakes of others or do you take joy in rectifying them? Personally, I found it completely uplifting to act out of honesty. The rewarding feeling overwhelmed my embarrassment and far out-weighed the amount of money I was subject to gain from the clerks miscalculation.

   

Deuteronomy 25:15 - You must have accurate and honest weights and measures, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.

Proverbs 3:27 - Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.

Proverbs 16:8 - Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice